you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
