so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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