ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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