my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
