I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
