I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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