Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
