Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
