hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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