Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
