It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
