I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
