I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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