She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
