I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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