Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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