I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
