Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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