if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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