ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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