wakey wakey hands off snakey
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
