She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
