I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
