I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
