I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
