hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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