If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
