hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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