it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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