i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
