my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
