if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
