I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
