This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
