In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Let's get the cat blown out
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
