sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
