who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
