I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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