Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
