I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
