If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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