SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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