I bet he comes in French.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The air taste purple.
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