Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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