sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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