I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
