and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize