bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
