im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
