A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
