OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's always time for handjobs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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