Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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