And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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