if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
