we need to drink 2009 down the drain
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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