wrigley field is MILF paradise
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
