dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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